it's me, hi, i'm the blogger it's me

hi, hello, been a while hasn't it.

a lot has happened in the three years since i last wrote on this blog, and i will probably get around to explaining all of that slowly, but for now - i just want to write and see where that takes me.

see, i'm in therapy now, and there's a lot of talk about 'checking in' on yourself and seeing how you 'really are' and i don't really know how to do that without writing down my feelings. and lord knows i haven't picked a pen up to write more than answers in my crossword or murdle in many, many years, so i guess that leaves the blog i once attended to daily.

remember that? when i had so much to say and share that i would write words on the internet daily? wild.

truth be told, i started this blog when i genuinely had a lot of things to talk about. firstly it was a way to keep my friends and family back home updated about my new life in london, then it sort of became a bit of a diary of sorts, and eventually, a money-making side hustle that took me on far flung adventures and saw me make loads of amazing friends along the way.

back then it was my creative outlet, a way to stay social, an endless stream of opportunities, but.. it burned me out. thinking of ways to make everything i did into a blog post was exhausting, and took the fun out of the fun things i was doing. it started to feel like a chore. and during the pandemic, opportunities dried up and really, what was i doing in the pandemic anyway?

we're four years on from the pandemic now, but my life is no more interesting, really. though, here's the thing: i've left london now. i bought a house in worthing, west sussex, and pea and i moved down here almost a year ago now. you can see all the home decorating adventures on my instagram, if you're so inclined. and while i've made some great local friends and am still really enjoying exploring my new town, i do still spend a lot of time at home, enjoying my things and my new, slow life.

i really like this slow life.

i turn 40 this month. i feel fine about that because age is just a number and based on my lifestyle i'm actually closer to 70 anyway, so 40 seems like infancy. i'm going on a cruise to the norwegian fjords with my best friend to celebrate, and i truly cannot wait for that - we've been counting down the months since we first booked it at the start of the year and now it's practically here; i'm fizzing with excitement but my body doesn't know how to translate the difference between fizzy excitement and sheer panic so i'm mentally and physically feeling very drained right now.

i left my toxic job just before i stopped blogging - maybe there's something in that too? i was feeling so low, so empty, so despondent for so long that finally leaving and becoming my own boss was a big move for me emotionally. it took some time to fully get my head out of the 9-5 mindset, the idea of always being online and being seen to be working and productive, and truly lean into how i work best, when i am my most productive, and what things i actually like doing, but i'm definitely there now.

i have some excellent clients who are all on the same wavelength, who support and encourage me, and who get it when i need to get offline for a bit and believe i will pick up where i left off when i have the capacity to. i always get the work done. i always deliver the results. and they know that, and they trust me. that's the biggest change from working in an agency i think. i've never felt more supported now that i work for myself.

but there are ups and downs. income can be inconsistent if you're not always hustling and selling your business (i suck at this part), and money is a constant worry for me - even though i know i have plenty of savings for the worst case scenario. as a single person with a mortgage and a dog and a car, i have things that need paying for, and if the work ever dried up i don't know what i'd do. i don't have a plan b.

and i usually always have a plan b. but what i do is all i know how to do, and i don't know what else i'd do. certainly nothing else that would earn as much as i do in my industry, so that's always on my mind - even when it doesn't need to be.

because of that i don't really take holidays anymore. remember those? remember when i went on 18 trips one year? well, as it is, i've not left the uk since june 2023. the norwegian cruise could not come soon enough. then i'm also off to new zealand in december for two weeks, which is more time off work. no work means no earning money. 

don't get me wrong - i need these trips, and i can't wait for them, but it's money i don't want to spend. it's not just my costs, but i need to put peanut in overnight care and that's a whole 'nother lot of money that i need to consider. i'm conflicted. my therapist says i'm constantly feeling conflicting things, and it's true. i am a libra after all.

like, i feel excited about the holiday but i feel annoyed by the cost and loss of income. i can never truly feel excitement or joy without the underlying negative feelings. it's very annoying and stressful.

anyway, that's probably enough words for now. we gotta get back into this slowly really.