terrible, life-affecting, debilitating headaches have been a daily constant for the last few months. some days are better than others, some days are worse than ever, some days i forget there's a problem and some days i can't get out of bed. they stem from a trapped nerve (i think) that i sustained when i moved into my new flat waaaaay back in june. they are as a result of tension in my neck and shoulders, and having been to the doctor a handful of times in the last month or so, are being managed by ibuprofen and sleeping tablets until the time comes when the nhs will allow me to see a physio for free. what will the physio do? hopefully fix it. am i confident this will happen? i'm not. i'm hopeful that something can be done, as i cannot go on like this any more.
it's hard - especially at work, when i'm asked "what's wrong" and my only response is "i've another headache". a headache? know what suggestion i'm offered; "have you taken some pills?". yes. yes i have. let me explain something right now, and tell you why that suggestion is unhelpful: i sat crying in my doctor's consulting room recently, explaining to her that i'm just so damn exhausted of not being able to sleep, and of the constant headaches (because of the pain in my shoulder/neck i can't ever get comfortable enough at night to sleep; the stress from not sleeping causes insomnia, the insomnia makes me moody and tired, and causes tension headaches. then it's a vicious cycle of constant pain and no sleep), the best course of action she could recommend was to take two ibuprofen every three hours, no more than eight tablets a day, and some sleeping tablets (actually, if i'm honest, they're anti-depressants. they're supposed to stop the pain getting through, and also make me drowsy, and the dosage is a tenth of what she prescribes for actual depression. although, this whole thing has made me pretty miserable of late) for the night time.
after nine months of this shit, ibuprofen - that you can buy at tesco express, was the best i could get to help my pain. and as a side note: the sleeping pills don't work, no matter how many i take. no, that's not me crying out for attention, that's me saying that if 150mg is the recommended dosage for someone who's been diagnosed with depression, then the 10mg prescription i've been handed is going to do sweet f.a, isn't it. so yes, i've taken what pills i can take, as prescribed by an actual doctor.
on friday, i left work early, again. i was out the night before, but i didn't drink enough at all to explain just how ill i was on friday. i was ill from about 5am, running back and forward to the toilet to throw up nothing but bubbles. i couldn't keep water in. i certainly couldn't keep 40p ibuprofen in. so the only line of defence i have against the pain was not working, and - as you know, being sick that much dehydrates the body, and causes... headaches. which was perrrrfect.
it's never been as bad as it was on friday, bar one time when i couldn't open my eyes from the headache, but i've never been physically ill from the pain. people don't understand, and how can i make them? there are no physical symptoms for me to 'prove' that i'm not well. the trapped nerve doesn't stop me getting on with my life (the nerve itself isn't the problem, it's the tension in the muscles around it that are causing all the problems, and again - i can move perfectly fine, so... what 'evidence' is there to show how much pain i'm in?), and how boring is it when someone complains constantly of a headache? i get that i'm a bit of a drama queen, and sure, i certainly don't mind the occasional exaggeration, but... this is my life, and it's no funny story to be hyped, and i'd not wish it on my mortal enemy.
i got home at about 2:30pm on friday, and promptly went to bed. pj's, eye mask, blind drawn. silent, dark and cold. it was heavenly. i was shaking from all the throwing up, and my thighs were in agony from all the squatting over the disabled loo at work (sorry, but true story). but my body was exhausted and i fell asleep in no time. isn't that funny? not 'funny' ha ha, but 'funny' interesting, how i can toss and turn all night long, fighting sleep because i can't get comfortable, but as soon as the sun starts to rise and the world starts to go about its business, sleep comes easily. insomniac life, i suppose.
i slept until about dinner time, then napped on and off for the rest of the night. i slept a solid ten hours that night, and saturday was still exhausted. i managed to make it to the shops for coffee and to handle some errands, but spent the rest of the day in bed. so, come sunday, with all its sun and warm and spring time glory, i wanted out of the house. i finished off my chores and quickly readied for a walk up to blythe hill. do you remember like, last year when facebook was checking everyone in london into blythe hill and nobody even knew where it was? well yeah, it's like... right up the road from me. and i'd heard there were some spectacular views of the city and s/e suburbs from there, so wanted to see for myself. so, off i went - once i'd grabbed the compulsory monmouth coffee en route.
i gotta admit; this place is going to be a regular spot for me once the real spring stands up. with a view as perfect as that right on my doorstep, not to mention all that green grass for daytime picnicing, i can't imagine how it's taken me this long to discover it. there were kids playing in the playground, and families walking their dogs. old people were sat on park benches right at the top of the park, and i joined them for a wee while, staring out over the cityscape i've fallen so in love with, listening to my golden oldies, and just appreciating the warm sun (albeit, pretty windy wind too!) on my skin after a weekend stuck in bed, and a couple of months without those delicious rays.
days like that help to put things into perspective, which is something i need to do more of.
i'll stop complaining now, i promise.
